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alternate title: Old White Men I Have Known

Since I was 16 years old and driving to Birmingham every Saturday night with my fake ID I have always liked older men. When I was a high school senior there was this one girl who I thought I might have loved, but I had a major crush on her father, and if forced to choose…how you doin’, Paul?

I’ll blame the attraction exclusively to older men on the lack of a positive male role model as a child. My father was peace-out! when I was a baby and my grandfather was an asshole who used to hit us in the back of the head. I was an only child, the first grandchild, surrounded by women who babied and smothered and over-indulged me in everything, I had special meals made for me, never brought homework home, never went to church*, never ate at the table, won’t eat any type of vegetable, never had a curfew, never had a spanking, never was grounded, or made to do chores, or really do anything I didn’t feel like doing.

I wonder, since I ONLY like older men, when will I like a guy and then shit! realize he’s younger than I am? That fateful day is coming, but I’m not an old fella yet…am I? I can still hold it down in the bedroom…in short spurts (literally and figuratively).