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I Hate Gay Men

So far, my love life in St. Pete has sucked, I haven’t met anyone, I’m still lonely and insecure and unhappy. I have met someone, though, on the facebook. I was creeping around on the interwebs one night and found him, a friend of a friend, friend requested him, and we fell in love. He lives in Alabama, he has a good job, a cute dog, he’s 5’8, 50-something, his words are spelled correctly, and in communication he is such a gentleman.
Over these last few months I’ve let him know how much I like him, and he likes me too, as witnessed by the multiple crotch shots he’s sent me (no naked pics, remember he’s a gentleman).

Some of our magical conversations:

Me: I lived in Birmingham 2-3 times…maybe you breezed by me one night at the Quest and your raw sexual magnetism cast a spell on me…?

Him: Lol, that had to be it!!
Maybe it was your sexiness that cast a spell!

Me: So I’ve rented a little pool house and I’m looking for a place in St. Pete…ever travel to these parts? So that you can proceed with the sweeping me off my feet…

Me: Well let’s be friends…let me get settled, then who knows? Maybe one or the other could host and we could go on an actual date or 2…unless there’s something something wrong with you (or me)…I think you’re lovely

Him: Sounds good!
I hope nothing wrong with me, lol

Me: I want to handle us as carefully as possible…I am still holding on to the idea that I am special (not short bus special) and that there is somebody out there for me…too much? are you special btw?

Him: I think so

Me: I am part Romany, so nothing would keep me from picking up and moving to an exotic locale for love…

Him: Ahhh

Me: So I take that last bit back…way too much too quick….don’t want to scare you off…have a good night my little peach…I’m gonna call you food pet names ok? peanut, pudding, cookie, nugget, pickle etc..

Him: Sugar plum

Me: I am halfway moved into my new place so I want to go ahead and invite you down for anytime you can come…I’ll pick you up and take you back to the airport and feed you ( food and…) and entertain you as well…and either fall in love with you or end up just being friends…but I hope to fall in love just to let you know 🙂

Him: Awww! What a wonderful compliment.

Me: how close to retirement are you?

Him: Oh geez, it depends
You going to let me retire to Florida?
It could be as much as 10 years or as few as 6
Depends on how much $$$ I can stash

Me: Well here’s the thing…I did sign a year-lease in St. Pete, so I’m here until next July…but St. Pete barely won out over Birmingham as my living choice…so I’ve kind of talked myself into moving back to Birmingham next year. I was wondering if we might possibly be able to visit one another maybe, a time or two, there or more preferably here. If you took a 3-day weekend I could put you up and feed you…or maybe you should stay in a hotel so I don’t feel pressured to sleep with you…just something to think about, no pressure…I think I’ve told you I’m incredibly fond of the you that I’ve imagined in my mind…but what if you really are that special? My high standards have unfortunately left me lonely and single for too long now…

Him: Aww. You know I saw one of the old pictures you posted and I remembered who you were from years back, maybe, like the 90’s???

Me: you can always send me naked pics or sext me up or something…

Him: I can? Will you do the same?

Me: No…

Him: Why not?

Me: I changed my mind…I have you in this ivory tower, braiding your hair, all virtuous and shit…

Me: I’ve been going to work out/play ball at lunch everyday…and maybe less sugar intake…I want to make a good impression if/when we ever meet..

Him: Wow

Me: you know what my job is, right? (Adoptions) Have a look on my blog at my baby O…you want to adopt him with me?
JK…I want a little Asian baby…or a raccoon

Him: Or a raccoon?

Me: I just like them…Rascal the Raccoon…except they get rabies real easy

Him: Yes, and they invade houses and do damage

Me: that’s okay though, he will be curious and inquisitive and I will dress him up and love him and let him have anything he wants…wait, are we talking about the raccoon or O?

Him: Raccoon

Me: A raccoon is probably easier to potty train…trust me on that, I almost had to change O recently

Him: Yikes

Me: don’t worry, I’m a social worker, I’ll change you when you get decrepit…or all fetish-y

Him: Ewww

Me: Don’t say ewww, I like older men, very distinguished

Him: Here is a slightly risqué photo

Over the months I like him more and more, I think about him all of the time, I even tell him that I have imagined him to be my perfect man, my knight in shining armor. I talk to my friends about him, I have wet dreams in which he stars, I start thinking about moving to his city, I’m crazy about him.

Me: Hello handsome…I was thinking about vacationing with my family (dogs) in Birmingham for the Thanksgiving holiday…were you possibly going to be in town? regards John Jernigan

Him: I am going to be at the beach at doggone it !!!
Leaving Thurs!

Me: well I’m not going to Birmingham then

Him: Damn wish it had worked

Me: Good morning, I am now considering going to Pensacola for Thanksgiving. If I did, would you like to share a meal or 2 on that weekend? Have a good day at work, I’m headed in early

Him: Keep me posted, will be at the beach with friends, family and hubby

I am kind of crushed. I start to cry. I’ve been crying for a couple of hours now. I know I’m not just crying over this man, I’m crying because I’m lonely and unhappy and I’ve lost my confidence as well, but I’m mainly crying over this guy. How can a guy I’ve never met hurt me? I wanted him to see how special I was, how unique, how different…I wanted him to make me happy, I wanted us to live happily ever after. In my own sad way, I must have started to love him, else why am I still crying? I am crying as I remember this fantastic, romantic, loving guy that I only imagined, the man who was going to change my life and make me happy.

* the pics are of him, not me