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The Gay Road Less Traveled

The Gay Road Less Traveled

Tag Archives: depression

Lowered Expectations

25 Saturday Nov 2017

Posted by johnjernigan in I Love You Man, Mr. Right, My Heart, Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood

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Arizona, Dallas, dance, depression, Game of Thrones, gay, Julia Roberts, LGBT, pretty woman, queer, Texas, Virginia, winter is coming

I have half-way fallen in love with someone I met online, the idea of him anyway…a guy I can’t even convince to come to Massachusetts. I always thought I was someone to be cherished, that one day my knight in shining armor would find me, like Richard Gere came for Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman (without the prostitution). My Texan/Virginian/Arizonian hoped-for savior has gone silent, and I’ve cried through Thanksgiving, with only a cold and miserable New England winter to look forward to.

 

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Babylon – David Gray

25 Saturday Nov 2017

Posted by johnjernigan in I Love You Man, Mr. Right, My Heart, Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood

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dating, depression, gay, LGBT, Life, love, queer, relationships

David PM

If you want it
Come and get it
For crying out loud
The love that I would
Be giving you is
Never in doubt

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Shitty Thanksgiving FML

25 Saturday Nov 2017

Posted by johnjernigan in John Jernigan, My Heart, Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood, the Flaming Homosexual

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Alabama, chocolate, depression, family, foodie, gay, relationships, single, Thanksgiving

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I spend my holidays with my family, so obviously alone…here is my awesome Thanksgiving dinner

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Clouds Build Up, and Won’t Pass Over

28 Tuesday Oct 2014

Posted by johnjernigan in Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood

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dating, depression, Everything But the Girl, gay, gay blog, gay fort lauderdale, gay Miami, LGBT, lifestyle, loneliness, relationships, sadness

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Lowering My Expectations

21 Tuesday Oct 2014

Posted by johnjernigan in Books Check 'Em Out, Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood

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Armistead Maupin, authors, book reviews, books, depression, Edmund White, gay, gay blog, gay fort lauderdale, gay Miami, Simone de Beauvoir, Thrift Store, writers

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I find myself desperately poor, I don’t even have enough money to get a haircut or pay my cell phone bill. But I can afford to go on three dates, with Simone de Beauvoir, Armistead Maupin and one of my great loves Edmund White.

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Funny

17 Tuesday Jun 2014

Tags

animals, atlanta, boston terrier, buy John's book on Amazon, culture, cute, dating, depression, dogs, french bulldog, french quarter, funny, gay, happiness, humor, LGBT, lifestyle, love, Miami, new orleans, perspective, pets, point of view, puppies, relationships, sex, St. Petersburg, Tampa Bay

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Posted by johnjernigan | Filed under My Favorite Things

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Baker Street & Baker Street & Baker Street & Baker Street & Baker Street

17 Tuesday Jun 2014

Posted by johnjernigan in Music is the Answer

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alcohol, Baker Street, Bassmonkeys, cover songs, dance music, depression, DJ Ross & Marvin, gay, Gerry Rafferty, house music, Lady V, LGBT, Michael Mind, music, music reviews, Peyton, promiscuity, queer, remix, sex, the 70's, the 80's, The Fierce Collective, UK

The lyrics are about alcohol and depression, promiscuity, sex and “People with No Soul”

’”Baker Street”

Winding your way down on Baker Street
Light in your head and dead on your feet
Well, another crazy day
You’ll drink the night away
And forget about everything
This city desert makes you feel so cold
It’s got so many people, but it’s got no soul
And it’s taken you so long
To find out you were wrong
When you thought it held everything

You used to think that it was so easy
You used to say that it was so easy
But you’re trying, you’re trying now
Another year and then you’d be happy
Just one more year and then you’d be happy
But you’re crying, you’re crying now

Way down the street there’s a light in his place
He opens the door, he’s got that look on his face
And he asks you where you’ve been
You tell him who you’ve seen
And you talk about anything
He’s got this dream about buying some land
He’s gonna give up the booze and the one-night stands
And then he’ll settle down
In some quiet little town
And forget about everything

But you know he’ll always keep moving
You know he’s never gonna stop moving
‘Cause he’s rolling, he’s the rolling stone
And when you wake up, it’s a new morning
The sun is shining, it’s a new morning
And you’re going, you’re going home

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My Mother is Dying

14 Saturday Jun 2014

Tags

atlanta, buy John's book on Amazon, culture, death and dying, depression, dogs, DSM diagnosis, essays, french bulldog, gay, gay dating, Kubler Ross, LGBT, Life, liifestyle, love, memoirs, Pensacola, perspective, pets, point of view, schizophrenia, six stages of death, writers

My Mother is Dying

My ex came and got Squeak from me, to spend the weekend with him and Possum. He has also made it painfully clear that we will never be together again, also that he never really loved me, at least “not the way I am remembering it.”
It’s 4:30 in the a.m., and I’m not sleeping. I take Cricket for a long walk, there’s a full moon and the air is electric.
My mother is 61 years old. She has refused her dialysis and it is simply a matter of time. Over the next week, I will take her lunch and sit with her, reading my book or watching TBN. She continues to pray that I will “be healed” from my homosexuality and will find a nice Christian wife. I lie to her and tell her I am going to church in St. Petersburg, and it gives her some small comfort, so that’s okay. If she doesn’t pass away this week, I will be forced to have our final goodbye on next Sunday, as I am financially destitute, plus I’ve used up all of my PTO and my bills and rent await.
I feel like my mother’s mental health robbed her of happiness and that she never really enjoyed a good quality of life. When the moon is full like this, and I am feeling restless and anxious, I worry that my mental health will soon betray me as well, and I am pessimistic most of the time. I fear I will always be alone, ending up in some nursing home with nothing, just like my mother.
Cricket knows something is wrong. She is a good girl, smart and intuitive and empathetic. Cricket gives me a lick, then curls up next to me on the bed and starts snoring. She will be there for me in the morning, tucked in and sleeping against my stomach…she knows she is loved and cherished, anyway.

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Posted by johnjernigan | Filed under Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood

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Once Upon a Time: A Raccoon Love Story…or tragedy

26 Monday May 2014

Tags

@thejohnjernigan, buy John's book, depression, fairy tale, funny, gay, gay stereotypes, humor, LGBT, lifestyle, loneliness, love story, perspective, point of view, queer, raccoons, ratchet, St. Petersburg, Tampa Bay, the Normal Heart, turnt up

Once Upon a Time: A Raccoon Love Story...or tragedy

One upon a time there were two raccoons who lived in Florida, in the woods near the beach. Neither raccoon was young, though they tried. For example, Rascal still wore silver gauges in his ears and used Just for Coon on his eyebrows, while Ren had little silver barbells in six of his nipples, and described his fur as being decidedly darker than it actually was in his online dating profiles.
Rascal and Ren were both clever, as most raccoons are, each in their own way. Rascal loved to read, and had a vivid imagination, and was something of a dreamer, while Ren was more grounded, more practical, and had extremely dexterous fingers. Ren could program computers and put together IKEA furniture and change a tire, all things that Rascal was hopelessly incapable of. Ren’s fingers were also magical in the bedroom, but this is a fairy tale for the cubs, so we will explore his legendary sexual prowess another time. Rascal and Ren were also lucky and grateful to be healthy, as they both have had friends, lovers and even litter-mates die from the scourge of the gay raccoon community, Rabies.
What brought these two clever fellows together was their loneliness. As you may have gleaned, both Rascal and Ren are known to be homosexuals, which is not as rare in the animal kingdom as you might think. Being cute and clever and vaguely masculine, Rascal and Ren never had any problems having the gay sex, in fact they were very popular in that regard, but something was always missing. I can’t speak for Ren, but for Rascal, all of the old coons trying to get into his fur had lost it’s luster, after a couple of decades anyway. He knew he was different, special, not a stereotype, he just desperately wanted someone to see him and understand him and all of his eccentricities.
Rascal was extremely excited and turnt up to meet Ren, because seemingly Ren was the not-same as him….in fact, Ren’s online profile stated: NOT A STEREOTYPE, so it must be true.
Over the next week Rascal’s need to be loved and his vivid imagination went kind of wild over Ren. He would sit and chitter softly to himself while washing his food for hours, thinking about Ren. He had both happy thoughts about finding a husband and naughty thoughts about Ren’s well-preserved body (Rascal was a little conflicted, because Ren had sent him a pic wearing only a tiny little speedo, both titillating but also troubling because the pic was taken out in the woods with other raccoons around).
Rascal possibly imagined Ren to be more than he is, but maybe not, maybe Ren is kind and smart and thoughtful and loving and patient (and Rascal realizes how important patience would be in his potential partner, remember he’s special). Rascal dreams about Ren most nights, and has happy endings…wet dream happy endings. Guess we’re not going to market this as a child’s fairy tale. To explain, Ren is so much on Rascal’s brain that he is dreaming about him at night, and in his dreams Ren is even more awesome (Rascal dreams big, both awake and asleep, and often climaxes). Ren has rescued Rascal and his mice (Stinky and Nugget) from Hurricane Katrina, wading out with a mouse under each arm. Ren has been Richard Gere as the knight in shining armor, rescuing Julia Roberts (Rascal) from her dingy apartment and riding err driving off into the sunset. Most recently, most vividly and most troubling, last night Ren gallantly gave Rascal something medically, a little fuzzy but Rascal remembers it being a bone marrow transplant or possibly a kidney…regardless, awesome sauce you is Ren!
Here is where our lovely fairy tale takes a turn that could devolve into a tragedy with no happy ending. Remember Ren is smart and clever and a little sneaky, so he got great news that he had been accepted into law school, yeah! Law school not in their shared woods, but over the river and through the woods and up the interstate to a more provincial wooded campus. Ren messages Rascal with his great news, but then his awesomeness kind of dissipates, as he explains that although he knows Rascal will be disappointed, he is sorry but school starts in August and he has to find a place to live and pack up and will be busy and his future plans no longer include Rascal. Rascal is confused, and sad, and angry.
Ren has been reckless with Rascal’s heart, and his goddamn imagination, and his Freudian wet dreams of rescue. Rascal is still imagining living happily ever after, of cubs, of Ren’s magical fingers, of love. Rascal watches the Normal Heart (mistake) and cries, either about the rabies epidemic or over Ren. Rascal talks himself through Ren’s position: Rascal has a nice almost new BMW, so making the drive to see his love would be no problem. There is cub abuse everywhere, and Rascal has a couple of degrees, so he knows he can be gainfully employed over there. Rascal is pretty sure that Ren doesn’t want to keep his options open for the chance at one of those country frat coons, after all he is at least thirty (30) years older than they are. Rascal doesn’t really have any family, and nothing to keep him in these woods. Rascal has imagined Ren to be all of these beautiful things, and thought/still thinks Ren is that person, complicated and discerning and layered…and that Ren has the same capacity to love and care about him that he has for Ren. Rascal wants the fairy tale, the happily ever after, the opportunity to get to know the real Ren, and love him forever…and they lived happily ever after?

Rascal’s online profiles always say he is “versatile” but we know what time it is, buddy.

PUBLISHED by catsmob.com

Ren was somewhat embarrassingly an amateur porn star in the late 80’s, including some inter-species videos 😦

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Rascal has had a long, sad, troubling relationship history with old white men, who plied him with liquor and crawfish and weed and stuff

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Rascal is an Adoptions worker, and here is the little nugget he and Ren adopted together, named Gator

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Posted by johnjernigan | Filed under My Heart, Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood, the Flaming Homosexual

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Cool Fun Dogs

17 Saturday May 2014

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animals, boston terrier, buy John's book $3.99 on Amazon, culture, cute, cute dogs, dating, depression, dog, french bulldog, gay, happiness, inspirational, LGBT, Life, lifestyle, loneliness, love, perspective, pets, point of view, relationships, sadness, sex, St. Petersburg, tampa

Cool Fun Dogs

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Posted by johnjernigan | Filed under My Favorite Things

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Trying to Be Happy

17 Saturday May 2014

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animals, buy John's book $3.99 on Amazon, culture, dating, depression, dog, gay, happiness, inspirational, LGBT, Life, lifestyle, loneliness, love, perspective, pets, point of view, relationships, sadness, sex, St. Petersburg, tampa

Trying to Be Happy

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Trying to Regain My Optimism

17 Saturday May 2014

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animals, buy John's book $3.99 on Amazon, Clark Gregg, culture, dating, depression, dog, gay, happiness, inspirational, LGBT, Life, lifestyle, loneliness, love, Martin Freeman, perspective, pets, point of view, relationships, sadness, sex, St. Petersburg, tampa

Trying to Regain My Optimism

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Tribeca Film Festival 2013 Portrait Studio - Day 4

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Posted by johnjernigan | Filed under Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood

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Black Box, the new House?

29 Tuesday Apr 2014

Posted by johnjernigan in introducing

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Bi-Polar disorder, Black Box ABC, buy John's book, CBT therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, dating, depression, Ditch Davey, DSM diagnosis, gay, gay dating, House, Hugh Laurie, Jesse Spencer, Kelly Reilly, LGBT, love, Manic Depressive disorder, mental health, Olivia Wilde, perspective, point of view, relationships, sex, Siobhan Williams, tv drama, Vanessa Redgrave

For a few hours yesterday I was flying blissfully high, getting a compliment in court from Judge Moore, smiling and speaking to everyone, confident and optimistic about life. In bed this morning, after calling in sick, my high peak is now a low valley. FML, what if this is as good as it gets? why can’t I find somebody to love me? what’s wrong with me…Last night I watched Black Box, and loved it, identifying with the main character and even seeing some of my Cognitive Behavioral Training in use. Black Box is from the House creative team of writers and producers.

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Someone Like You – Adele

27 Sunday Apr 2014

Posted by johnjernigan in My Heart

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@thejohnjernigan, Adele, breakups, cute, dating, depression, dogs, french bulldog, gay, heartache, LGBT, loneliness, love, Mobile, new orleans, Pensacola, pets, queer, relationships, sadness, sex, Someone Like You, St. Petersburg, Tampa Bay, true love

I used to listen to this song and cry and feel sorry for myself. Two years have passed since my breakup. I still haven’t found anyone like him, I still love him, and I still have the occasional cry for him. See the standing ovation for Adele at the end of this awesome performance.

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time for me to move on…Atlanta?

15 Tuesday Apr 2014

Posted by johnjernigan in Music is the Answer

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@thejohnjernigan, atlanta, Blue Savannah Erasure, dating, depression, gay, LGBT, Life, loneliness, love, new orleans, Nightswimming REM, perspective, point of view, relationships, sex, Somebody's Baby Jackson Browne, St. Petersburg, tampa, the 80's

I have failed again at finding someone, my old friend’s depression and pessimism are my constant companions, I am often sad and lonely, maybe it’s time for me to fly…maybe I should move back to Atlanta. I am worried that I will always be alone.

Somebody’s Baby

“Well, just – a look at that girl with the lights comin’ up in her eyes.
She’s got to be somebody’s baby.
She must be somebody’s baby.
All the guys on the corner stand back and let her walk on by.
She’s got to be somebody’s baby.
She must be somebody’s baby.
She’s got to be somebody’s baby.
She’s so fine.”

Blue Savannah

“Somewhere ‘cross the desert
Sometime in the early hours
To the orange side
Through the clouds and thunder

My home is where the heart is
Sweet to surrender to you only
I send my love to you.”

Nightswimming

“Nightswimming,
remembering that night
September’s coming soon
I’m pining for the moon
And what if there were two
Side by side in orbit around the fairest sun?
The bright tide forever drawn
Could not describe nightswimming”

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French Bulldogs & Babies

15 Tuesday Apr 2014

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@thejohnjernigan, animals, atlanta, babies, boston terrier, buy John's book on Amazon, cute, dating, depression, dogs, french bulldog, gay, LGBT, Life, loneliness, love, perspective, pets, point of view, puppies, relationships, sex, social work, social worker, St. Petersburg, tampa

French Bulldogs & Babies

I have felt sad and old and pessimistic about life all day. To cheer myself up, I am posting some pics of 2 of my favorite things, frenchies and babies. I also got to hold a precious little nugget on one of my cases this afternoon as well.

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Loneliness

06 Sunday Apr 2014

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atlanta, dating, depression, different, gay, LGBT, loneliness, love, perspective, point of view, queer, quotes, relationships, sadness, sex, St. Petersburg, tampa, Tampa Bay, the Good Earth -Pearl S. Buck.

Loneliness

“The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration. ”
― Pearl S. Buck

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Posted by johnjernigan | Filed under My Heart

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The Good Earth – Pearl S. Buck

06 Sunday Apr 2014

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@thejohnjernigan, book reviews, books, buy John's book on Amazon, culture, dating, depression, gay, gay dating, LGBT, lifestyle, literature, loneliness, love, perspective, point of view, queer, relationships, sex, the Good Earth -Pearl S. Buck.

The Good Earth - Pearl S. Buck

An all-time classic, one of my favorites, first read when I was maybe 10 years old. My love of money and desire to own things and be rich made it super interesting to me…sadly, I have no money, don’t own much and sure ain’t rich.

“To eat bread without hope is still slowly to starve to death.”

“Love cannot be forced, love cannot be coaxed and teased. It comes out of heaven, unasked and unsought.”

“Many people lose the small joys in the hope for the big happiness.”

“The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. To him… a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create — so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating.”

“I feel no need for any other faith than my faith in the kindness of human beings. I am so absorbed in the wonder of earth and the life upon it that I cannot think of heaven and angels.”

“Inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that’s where you renew your springs that never dry up. ”

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Posted by johnjernigan | Filed under Books Check 'Em Out

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April Fool’s, a regrettably awkward blunder

03 Thursday Apr 2014

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Alabama, April Fool's, authors, Birmingham, book reviews, books, buy John's book on Amazon $3.99, depression, essays, fort lauderdale, funny, gay, humor, Kindle app is free, Lesbian, LGBT, memoirs, Pensacola, queer, short stories, St. Petersburg, tampa, the gay road less traveled, writers

April Fool's, a regrettably awkward blunder

I had this great idea to send messages to four men on the facebook telling them how much I liked them, that I cared about them, that I would would wait on them for “as long as it took”, that I knew they cared about me, and finally that I was in their city and wanted to hookup asap. Brilliant, right? Of these 4 guys, three are in relationships and the 4th is…eccentric. Here is my message to them:

“Hi GUYS NAME, I know it’s been a while since we had any communication. I just wanted to tell you that I still like you a lot, and I miss you. I feel like we had a real connection, and you are still the most adorable guy that I have ever seen…so 100% just my type. In my own way, I had such a true crush on you, and actually started to care about you. I get the impression that you really liked me too, I know you did, and I think you would easily start to care about me if you allow yourself the opportunity. Listen, I am coming to Ft. Lauderdale/Birmingham/Pensacola this weekend and I really, really would love to hook up with you. I would love to have you come spend the night with me here, anytime you drive over/down. I hope we can make a true “love connection” and I’m prepared to wait on you, for as long as it takes! You should also buy a copy of my book, after all, you have your own chapter (I used GUYS 1st Name Last Initial when describing you)…have a good day handsome yours truly, seriously YOURS TRULY John Jernigan

Sounds pretty good, right? Not so much…

My 1st guy, who I actually did develop an online crush/affection for last year, messaged me back with the quickness! “Hey guy! Awww, so nice! Are you here through Sunday? I have to go see my dad this weekend, won’t be back until late Sunday” He had his escape plan ready to roll!

The 2nd guy, the cutest little fella that ever lived, responded “i was and am at a bit of a loss for words… very flattered of course…” When I messaged him back later with April Fool’s he didn’t respond, just ignored me

Guy #3, my smart, distinguished and eccentric friend, replied “Hey John, glad to hear all is well. I’m moving to Savannah, GA within the month, Stay in touch. ” Glad to hear all is well? I just told you I was smitten and stuff…you responded with well sorry leaving the state 😦

The 4th, and final, guy’s response was sad and truly made me realize the mistake this April Fool’s attempt at funny was. This sweet fella, let’s call him “Beth”, is smart and sweet and also the first and only man my age that I have ever shared uhh physical affection with…I sent him my message, no response, nothing. At around 10 p.m. I logged into the facebook to wish him an April Fool’s and: he had unfriended me! I can’t even tell him it was a prank, whatever he did he really did, like he disappeared entirely to me, he made himself invisible, even in searches. I hope he will read this and understand I was just trying to be funny, as usual. What’s not funny and is actually kind of sad is that I would love to have any of these 4 beautiful men for my own…but I will likely always be alone, trying to be funny and trying to make everyone laugh, while I just want to cry.

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My Friends, Books

29 Saturday Mar 2014

Tags

book reviews, books, boston terrier, buy John's book $3.99, Chewbacca, Codex Alera, dating, depression, dogs, Drizzt, drow, french bulldog, gay, Jedi, Jim Butcher, John Burdett, LGBT, lifestyle, loneliness, Lowbacca, Margaret Atwood, pets, pop culture, queer, relationships, sex, St. Petersburg, star wars, Tampa Bay

My Friends, Books

My best friends are a French bulldog, a Boston terrier, my television and books. On days like today, when it’s raining, and I am feeling sad and lonely, I will curl up on the couch with my two best friends and escape to the Codex Alera, to House Baenre in Menzoberranzan, to Krung Thep, to Kashyyyk. I will escape my grey reality to go on exciting adventures, happily losing myself in my books, if only for a time.

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All of the local thrift stores are doing this “Bag of Books for $2.99” deal. Different bags of books I have recently purchased:

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Lowered Expectations

15 Saturday Mar 2014

Tags

2 Broke Girls, atlanta, Birmingham, buy John's book on Amazon, Candy Crush, dating, depression, dogs, facebook, fort lauderdale, gay, Justified, LGBT, Life, loneliness, love, Mystery Diners, new orleans, OKcupid, Pensacola, pets, relationships, scandal, sex, St. Petersburg, Suits, Tampa Bay, The Goldbergs, The Good Wife

Lowered Expectations

The full moon, tides, whatever have me feeling a certain kind of way. I settle in on the couch and catch up on my shows, watching Scandal, the Good Wife, Suits, Justified, 2 Broke Girls, Mystery Diners, and the Goldbergs, intermittently crying. I am painfully aware that instead of living my life to the fullest, I have my adventures and live vicariously through my television, a sad imitation of life.
I like some friends’ posts on facebook, and friend request a few people. I play Candy Crush and Triviador. I watch some youtube videos of French bulldog and Boston terrier puppies. I make an attempt to finish reading MaddAddam, but my mind is racing, cycling, restlessly pessimistic.
I go back to facebook. I see that Mike J, who I briefly loved/thought I loved when I was very young, is in a relationship. I see that Don (who I had a crush on for years when I lived in Pensacola, that he never knew about, and actually never really met me) is in a relationship. I realize that there are probably a dozen or so good quality men that I am friends with on facebook, who I would love to explore a relationship with. There are honestly probably 50 or more distinguished gentleman out in the world that I have squandered my chances with, either by sleeping with them once or just not being mature or patient enough or too ADD to give love time to bloom? (bloom sounds corny, but yeah bloom).
I have a profile on a few of the dating websites, but have never had any luck there. A few different Saturday nights I have had a few drinks and walked to Georgie’s in search of Mr. Right…who definitely wasn’t there. Twice I have braved the bridge and gone hunting in Ybor (dangerous as I need some alcohol in me to be comfortable in a club) driving back at 4 a.m., unsuccessful, frustrated, and certain to get a DUI if pulled over.
I have the capacity to love and I am so so tired of being lonely. I am ready for my Knight in Shining Armor, please. I want to love again, to find my special someone, but it’s getting late, and the lights are starting to dim on my dreams.

Squeak is in dreamland, yelping and twitching. Careful not to wake the snoring 30-pound bulldog on my stomach, I scoot down the couch to her, rubbing her belly and calming her down. I whisper to her that everything will be okay, that we’re safe, that we’ll be fine…though I am no longer sure that is true.

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Valentine’s Day: Love Me?

11 Tuesday Feb 2014

Tags

atlanta, dating, depression, funny, gay, humor, Lesbian, LGBT, loneliness, love, new orleans, Orlando, Pensacola, sex, St. Petersburg, Tampa Bay, Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day: Love Me?

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Smokin’ Saturday Night

18 Saturday Jan 2014

Tags

animals, boston terrier, buy John's book on Amazon, Cricket the French Bulldog, culture, dating, depression, dogs, french bulldog, funny, gay, humor, Love & Hip Hop, obesity, pets, Project Runway All Stars, relationships, sex, Squeak the Boston Terrier, Tampa Bay, Top Chef

Smokin' Saturday Night

Milk and brownies, Cricket & Squeak, catching up on Top Chef, Project Runway All Stars and Love & Hip Hop.

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Get Here – Oleta Adams

11 Saturday Jan 2014

Posted by johnjernigan in Music is the Answer

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Tags

buy John's book on Amazon, dating, depression, gay, LGBT, loneliness, love, Oleta Adams, queer, R & B, relationships, sex, soul, St. Petersburg, Tampa Bay

The Garage is a little gay bar one block up Central from my apartment. It’s 1 a.m., and I am out walking my babies, having just returned from seeing a movie, with myself. On Friday nights, the Garage has karaoke. On my first pass by, Ke$ha is playing, surprise. As we turn the corner toward 1st Ave., Ke$ha goes away, and I am pleasantly surprised to hear Oleta Adams take her place. I have fallen into a sad state, my almost constant companion depression, pessimistic me. I am truly starting to believe I will always be alone. I think about my imaginary boyfriend out there, I bet he would really appreciate this song.

“You can reach me by railway
You can reach me by trailway
You can reach me on an airplane
You can reach me with your mind”

I stand across the street from the bar and listen to the whole song, and it is beautiful, her voice lovely in the warm night air.

” You can reach me by sailboat
Climb a tree and swing rope to rope
Take a sled and slide down slope
Into these arms of mine
You can jump on a speedy colt
Cross the border in a blaze of hope
I don`t care how you get here
Just get here if you can”

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Thanksgiving with my Loves

28 Thursday Nov 2013

Tags

@thejohnjernigan, boston terrier, Cricket the French Bulldog, dating, depression, dogs, french bulldog, gay, holidays, Hungry Howies, john jernigan, Krispy Kreme, LGBTQ, pets, queer, relationships, Squeak the Boston Terrier, Tampa Bay, Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving with my loves

Check list:
Pizza
Doughnuts
A fat , sleepy Frenchie
An intellectually challenged Boston
This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my friends, for my health, for my books and the movies, and most importantly for my two babies, Cricket and Squeak. Maybe I can find a man to love me for Christmas 🙂
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I Hate Gay Men

09 Saturday Nov 2013

Tags

@squeakjernigan, atlanta, Birmingham, culture, dating, depression, funny, gay, gay men, heartbreak, humor, john jernigan, LGBT, Life, love, perspective, queer, relationships, St. Petersburg, Tampa Bay

I Hate Gay Men

So far, my love life in St. Pete has sucked, I haven’t met anyone, I’m still lonely and insecure and unhappy. I have met someone, though, on the facebook. I was creeping around on the interwebs one night and found him, a friend of a friend, friend requested him, and we fell in love. He lives in Alabama, he has a good job, a cute dog, he’s 5’8, 50-something, his words are spelled correctly, and in communication he is such a gentleman.
Over these last few months I’ve let him know how much I like him, and he likes me too, as witnessed by the multiple crotch shots he’s sent me (no naked pics, remember he’s a gentleman).

Some of our magical conversations:

Me: I lived in Birmingham 2-3 times…maybe you breezed by me one night at the Quest and your raw sexual magnetism cast a spell on me…?

Him: Lol, that had to be it!!
Maybe it was your sexiness that cast a spell!

Me: So I’ve rented a little pool house and I’m looking for a place in St. Pete…ever travel to these parts? So that you can proceed with the sweeping me off my feet…

Me: Well let’s be friends…let me get settled, then who knows? Maybe one or the other could host and we could go on an actual date or 2…unless there’s something something wrong with you (or me)…I think you’re lovely

Him: Sounds good!
I hope nothing wrong with me, lol

Me: I want to handle us as carefully as possible…I am still holding on to the idea that I am special (not short bus special) and that there is somebody out there for me…too much? are you special btw?

Him: I think so

Me: I am part Romany, so nothing would keep me from picking up and moving to an exotic locale for love…

Him: Ahhh

Me: So I take that last bit back…way too much too quick….don’t want to scare you off…have a good night my little peach…I’m gonna call you food pet names ok? peanut, pudding, cookie, nugget, pickle etc..

Him: Sugar plum

Me: I am halfway moved into my new place so I want to go ahead and invite you down for anytime you can come…I’ll pick you up and take you back to the airport and feed you ( food and…) and entertain you as well…and either fall in love with you or end up just being friends…but I hope to fall in love just to let you know 🙂

Him: Awww! What a wonderful compliment.

Me: how close to retirement are you?

Him: Oh geez, it depends
You going to let me retire to Florida?
It could be as much as 10 years or as few as 6
Depends on how much $$$ I can stash

Me: Well here’s the thing…I did sign a year-lease in St. Pete, so I’m here until next July…but St. Pete barely won out over Birmingham as my living choice…so I’ve kind of talked myself into moving back to Birmingham next year. I was wondering if we might possibly be able to visit one another maybe, a time or two, there or more preferably here. If you took a 3-day weekend I could put you up and feed you…or maybe you should stay in a hotel so I don’t feel pressured to sleep with you…just something to think about, no pressure…I think I’ve told you I’m incredibly fond of the you that I’ve imagined in my mind…but what if you really are that special? My high standards have unfortunately left me lonely and single for too long now…

Him: Aww. You know I saw one of the old pictures you posted and I remembered who you were from years back, maybe, like the 90’s???

Me: you can always send me naked pics or sext me up or something…

Him: I can? Will you do the same?

Me: No…

Him: Why not?

Me: I changed my mind…I have you in this ivory tower, braiding your hair, all virtuous and shit…

Me: I’ve been going to work out/play ball at lunch everyday…and maybe less sugar intake…I want to make a good impression if/when we ever meet..

Him: Wow

Me: you know what my job is, right? (Adoptions) Have a look on my blog at my baby O…you want to adopt him with me?
JK…I want a little Asian baby…or a raccoon

Him: Or a raccoon?

Me: I just like them…Rascal the Raccoon…except they get rabies real easy

Him: Yes, and they invade houses and do damage

Me: that’s okay though, he will be curious and inquisitive and I will dress him up and love him and let him have anything he wants…wait, are we talking about the raccoon or O?

Him: Raccoon

Me: A raccoon is probably easier to potty train…trust me on that, I almost had to change O recently

Him: Yikes

Me: don’t worry, I’m a social worker, I’ll change you when you get decrepit…or all fetish-y

Him: Ewww

Me: Don’t say ewww, I like older men, very distinguished

Him: Here is a slightly risqué photo

Over the months I like him more and more, I think about him all of the time, I even tell him that I have imagined him to be my perfect man, my knight in shining armor. I talk to my friends about him, I have wet dreams in which he stars, I start thinking about moving to his city, I’m crazy about him.

10/27/13
Me: Hello handsome…I was thinking about vacationing with my family (dogs) in Birmingham for the Thanksgiving holiday…were you possibly going to be in town? regards John Jernigan

Him: I am going to be at the beach at doggone it !!!
Leaving Thurs!

Me: well I’m not going to Birmingham then

Him: Damn wish it had worked

11/8/13
Me: Good morning, I am now considering going to Pensacola for Thanksgiving. If I did, would you like to share a meal or 2 on that weekend? Have a good day at work, I’m headed in early

Him: Keep me posted, will be at the beach with friends, family and hubby

I am kind of crushed. I start to cry. I’ve been crying for a couple of hours now. I know I’m not just crying over this man, I’m crying because I’m lonely and unhappy and I’ve lost my confidence as well, but I’m mainly crying over this guy. How can a guy I’ve never met hurt me? I wanted him to see how special I was, how unique, how different…I wanted him to make me happy, I wanted us to live happily ever after. In my own sad way, I must have started to love him, else why am I still crying? I am crying as I remember this fantastic, romantic, loving guy that I only imagined, the man who was going to change my life and make me happy.

* the pics are of him, not me
abb

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Video

Hallelujah – Jeff Buckley

19 Saturday Oct 2013

Posted by johnjernigan in My Heart

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Tags

Birmingham, dating, depression, folk music, gay, Hallelujah, Jeff Buckley, john jernigan, Leonard Cohen, LGBT, music, relationships, sadness, Tampa Bay

Maybe there’s a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It’s not a cry you can hear at night
It’s not somebody who has seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

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Charm Uniqueness Nerve Talent

19 Saturday Oct 2013

Tags

boston terrier, dating, depression, DSM, john jernigan, loneliness, lowered expectations, mental health, perspective, relationships, sadness

Charm Uniqueness Nerve Talent

My life is shit right now…broke, lonely, fat, ugly, jaded and pessimistic. I have to remind myself that I have Charm, Uniqueness, Nerve & Talent, what that spells is what I feel like for all of 2013.

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Fruitvale Station

28 Sunday Jul 2013

Posted by johnjernigan in Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

art, dance, dating, depression, gay, john jernigan, LGBT, Michael B. Jordan, movie reviews, movies, queer, relationships, sex, St. Petersburg, Tampa Bay

So it being the full moon or whatever, I was already depressed and crazy heading into this weekend. Genius that I am, I decide to go see Fruitvale Station at Baywalk (alone of course). So what happens happens in the movie, and all the black women and myself start to cry. I slowly walk back to the parking garage after, still crying. I cry some more on the way home. I understand that I’m not just crying over the movie anymore, I’m crying because I’m lonely, because I don’t have much to look forward to, because I’m no longer young and cute and everybody’s first choice, because I still love my ex, because what if this as good as it gets? I eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, pop a sleeping pill and escape to dreamland…maybe there I’ll be happy.

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sometimes it doesn’t GET BETTER

08 Friday Feb 2013

Posted by johnjernigan in Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood

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Tags

creep, depression, failure, gay, it gets better, john jernigan, loser, radiohead

To all you high school band geeks, baby drag queens, softball players, lispy boys: stay in color guard or find a summer league team or join the school chorus…wear that eyeliner, or flannel with birkenstocks…date a boy named Chrisss (3 s’s) or a girl who looks like Bieber…do you, take whatever small pleasures and cherish contentment and acceptance wherever you find it, you might be in the as-good-as-it-gets portion of your life and not even realize it. When you’re 40 years old and don’t have anything, no hope, no prospects, no one to love you…you’ll understand that it doesn’t always get better, life is bullshit, sometimes you never find fulfillment and happiness and love…then you slowly fade away and die, alone…

.aaaaato use

Me, all sad and depressed, in 1997…with my Cyndi Crawford mole

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