@thejohnjernigan, buy John's book, depression, fairy tale, funny, gay, gay stereotypes, humor, LGBT, lifestyle, loneliness, love story, perspective, point of view, queer, raccoons, ratchet, St. Petersburg, Tampa Bay, the Normal Heart, turnt up
One upon a time there were two raccoons who lived in Florida, in the woods near the beach. Neither raccoon was young, though they tried. For example, Rascal still wore silver gauges in his ears and used Just for Coon on his eyebrows, while Ren had little silver barbells in six of his nipples, and described his fur as being decidedly darker than it actually was in his online dating profiles.
Rascal and Ren were both clever, as most raccoons are, each in their own way. Rascal loved to read, and had a vivid imagination, and was something of a dreamer, while Ren was more grounded, more practical, and had extremely dexterous fingers. Ren could program computers and put together IKEA furniture and change a tire, all things that Rascal was hopelessly incapable of. Ren’s fingers were also magical in the bedroom, but this is a fairy tale for the cubs, so we will explore his legendary sexual prowess another time. Rascal and Ren were also lucky and grateful to be healthy, as they both have had friends, lovers and even litter-mates die from the scourge of the gay raccoon community, Rabies.
What brought these two clever fellows together was their loneliness. As you may have gleaned, both Rascal and Ren are known to be homosexuals, which is not as rare in the animal kingdom as you might think. Being cute and clever and vaguely masculine, Rascal and Ren never had any problems having the gay sex, in fact they were very popular in that regard, but something was always missing. I can’t speak for Ren, but for Rascal, all of the old coons trying to get into his fur had lost it’s luster, after a couple of decades anyway. He knew he was different, special, not a stereotype, he just desperately wanted someone to see him and understand him and all of his eccentricities.
Rascal was extremely excited and turnt up to meet Ren, because seemingly Ren was the not-same as him….in fact, Ren’s online profile stated: NOT A STEREOTYPE, so it must be true.
Over the next week Rascal’s need to be loved and his vivid imagination went kind of wild over Ren. He would sit and chitter softly to himself while washing his food for hours, thinking about Ren. He had both happy thoughts about finding a husband and naughty thoughts about Ren’s well-preserved body (Rascal was a little conflicted, because Ren had sent him a pic wearing only a tiny little speedo, both titillating but also troubling because the pic was taken out in the woods with other raccoons around).
Rascal possibly imagined Ren to be more than he is, but maybe not, maybe Ren is kind and smart and thoughtful and loving and patient (and Rascal realizes how important patience would be in his potential partner, remember he’s special). Rascal dreams about Ren most nights, and has happy endings…wet dream happy endings. Guess we’re not going to market this as a child’s fairy tale. To explain, Ren is so much on Rascal’s brain that he is dreaming about him at night, and in his dreams Ren is even more awesome (Rascal dreams big, both awake and asleep, and often climaxes). Ren has rescued Rascal and his mice (Stinky and Nugget) from Hurricane Katrina, wading out with a mouse under each arm. Ren has been Richard Gere as the knight in shining armor, rescuing Julia Roberts (Rascal) from her dingy apartment and riding err driving off into the sunset. Most recently, most vividly and most troubling, last night Ren gallantly gave Rascal something medically, a little fuzzy but Rascal remembers it being a bone marrow transplant or possibly a kidney…regardless, awesome sauce you is Ren!
Here is where our lovely fairy tale takes a turn that could devolve into a tragedy with no happy ending. Remember Ren is smart and clever and a little sneaky, so he got great news that he had been accepted into law school, yeah! Law school not in their shared woods, but over the river and through the woods and up the interstate to a more provincial wooded campus. Ren messages Rascal with his great news, but then his awesomeness kind of dissipates, as he explains that although he knows Rascal will be disappointed, he is sorry but school starts in August and he has to find a place to live and pack up and will be busy and his future plans no longer include Rascal. Rascal is confused, and sad, and angry.
Ren has been reckless with Rascal’s heart, and his goddamn imagination, and his Freudian wet dreams of rescue. Rascal is still imagining living happily ever after, of cubs, of Ren’s magical fingers, of love. Rascal watches the Normal Heart (mistake) and cries, either about the rabies epidemic or over Ren. Rascal talks himself through Ren’s position: Rascal has a nice almost new BMW, so making the drive to see his love would be no problem. There is cub abuse everywhere, and Rascal has a couple of degrees, so he knows he can be gainfully employed over there. Rascal is pretty sure that Ren doesn’t want to keep his options open for the chance at one of those country frat coons, after all he is at least thirty (30) years older than they are. Rascal doesn’t really have any family, and nothing to keep him in these woods. Rascal has imagined Ren to be all of these beautiful things, and thought/still thinks Ren is that person, complicated and discerning and layered…and that Ren has the same capacity to love and care about him that he has for Ren. Rascal wants the fairy tale, the happily ever after, the opportunity to get to know the real Ren, and love him forever…and they lived happily ever after?
Rascal’s online profiles always say he is “versatile” but we know what time it is, buddy.
Ren was somewhat embarrassingly an amateur porn star in the late 80’s, including some inter-species videos 😦
Rascal has had a long, sad, troubling relationship history with old white men, who plied him with liquor and crawfish and weed and stuff
Rascal is an Adoptions worker, and here is the little nugget he and Ren adopted together, named Gator
animals, boston terrier, buy John's book $3.99 on Amazon, culture, cute, cute dogs, dating, depression, dog, french bulldog, gay, happiness, inspirational, LGBT, Life, lifestyle, loneliness, love, perspective, pets, point of view, relationships, sadness, sex, St. Petersburg, tampa
animals, buy John's book $3.99 on Amazon, culture, dating, depression, dog, gay, happiness, inspirational, LGBT, Life, lifestyle, loneliness, love, perspective, pets, point of view, relationships, sadness, sex, St. Petersburg, tampa
animals, buy John's book $3.99 on Amazon, Clark Gregg, culture, dating, depression, dog, gay, happiness, inspirational, LGBT, Life, lifestyle, loneliness, love, Martin Freeman, perspective, pets, point of view, relationships, sadness, sex, St. Petersburg, tampa
@thejohnjernigan, Adele, breakups, cute, dating, depression, dogs, french bulldog, gay, heartache, LGBT, loneliness, love, Mobile, new orleans, Pensacola, pets, queer, relationships, sadness, sex, Someone Like You, St. Petersburg, Tampa Bay, true love
I used to listen to this song and cry and feel sorry for myself. Two years have passed since my breakup. I still haven’t found anyone like him, I still love him, and I still have the occasional cry for him. See the standing ovation for Adele at the end of this awesome performance.
@thejohnjernigan, atlanta, Blue Savannah Erasure, dating, depression, gay, LGBT, Life, loneliness, love, new orleans, Nightswimming REM, perspective, point of view, relationships, sex, Somebody's Baby Jackson Browne, St. Petersburg, tampa, the 80's
I have failed again at finding someone, my old friend’s depression and pessimism are my constant companions, I am often sad and lonely, maybe it’s time for me to fly…maybe I should move back to Atlanta. I am worried that I will always be alone.
“Well, just – a look at that girl with the lights comin’ up in her eyes.
She’s got to be somebody’s baby.
She must be somebody’s baby.
All the guys on the corner stand back and let her walk on by.
She’s got to be somebody’s baby.
She must be somebody’s baby.
She’s got to be somebody’s baby.
She’s so fine.”
“Somewhere ‘cross the desert
Sometime in the early hours
To the orange side
Through the clouds and thunder
My home is where the heart is
Sweet to surrender to you only
I send my love to you.”
remembering that night
September’s coming soon
I’m pining for the moon
And what if there were two
Side by side in orbit around the fairest sun?
The bright tide forever drawn
Could not describe nightswimming”
@thejohnjernigan, animals, atlanta, babies, boston terrier, buy John's book on Amazon, cute, dating, depression, dogs, french bulldog, gay, LGBT, Life, loneliness, love, perspective, pets, point of view, puppies, relationships, sex, social work, social worker, St. Petersburg, tampa
I have felt sad and old and pessimistic about life all day. To cheer myself up, I am posting some pics of 2 of my favorite things, frenchies and babies. I also got to hold a precious little nugget on one of my cases this afternoon as well.
atlanta, dating, depression, different, gay, LGBT, loneliness, love, perspective, point of view, queer, quotes, relationships, sadness, sex, St. Petersburg, tampa, Tampa Bay, the Good Earth -Pearl S. Buck.
“The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration. ”
― Pearl S. Buck
@thejohnjernigan, book reviews, books, buy John's book on Amazon, culture, dating, depression, gay, gay dating, LGBT, lifestyle, literature, loneliness, love, perspective, point of view, queer, relationships, sex, the Good Earth -Pearl S. Buck.
An all-time classic, one of my favorites, first read when I was maybe 10 years old. My love of money and desire to own things and be rich made it super interesting to me…sadly, I have no money, don’t own much and sure ain’t rich.
“To eat bread without hope is still slowly to starve to death.”
“Love cannot be forced, love cannot be coaxed and teased. It comes out of heaven, unasked and unsought.”
“Many people lose the small joys in the hope for the big happiness.”
“The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. To him… a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create — so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating.”
“I feel no need for any other faith than my faith in the kindness of human beings. I am so absorbed in the wonder of earth and the life upon it that I cannot think of heaven and angels.”
“Inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that’s where you renew your springs that never dry up. ”
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My best friends are a French bulldog, a Boston terrier, my television and books. On days like today, when it’s raining, and I am feeling sad and lonely, I will curl up on the couch with my two best friends and escape to the Codex Alera, to House Baenre in Menzoberranzan, to Krung Thep, to Kashyyyk. I will escape my grey reality to go on exciting adventures, happily losing myself in my books, if only for a time.
All of the local thrift stores are doing this “Bag of Books for $2.99” deal. Different bags of books I have recently purchased:
2 Broke Girls, atlanta, Birmingham, buy John's book on Amazon, Candy Crush, dating, depression, dogs, facebook, fort lauderdale, gay, Justified, LGBT, Life, loneliness, love, Mystery Diners, new orleans, OKcupid, Pensacola, pets, relationships, scandal, sex, St. Petersburg, Suits, Tampa Bay, The Goldbergs, The Good Wife
The full moon, tides, whatever have me feeling a certain kind of way. I settle in on the couch and catch up on my shows, watching Scandal, the Good Wife, Suits, Justified, 2 Broke Girls, Mystery Diners, and the Goldbergs, intermittently crying. I am painfully aware that instead of living my life to the fullest, I have my adventures and live vicariously through my television, a sad imitation of life.
I like some friends’ posts on facebook, and friend request a few people. I play Candy Crush and Triviador. I watch some youtube videos of French bulldog and Boston terrier puppies. I make an attempt to finish reading MaddAddam, but my mind is racing, cycling, restlessly pessimistic.
I go back to facebook. I see that Mike J, who I briefly loved/thought I loved when I was very young, is in a relationship. I see that Don (who I had a crush on for years when I lived in Pensacola, that he never knew about, and actually never really met me) is in a relationship. I realize that there are probably a dozen or so good quality men that I am friends with on facebook, who I would love to explore a relationship with. There are honestly probably 50 or more distinguished gentleman out in the world that I have squandered my chances with, either by sleeping with them once or just not being mature or patient enough or too ADD to give love time to bloom? (bloom sounds corny, but yeah bloom).
I have a profile on a few of the dating websites, but have never had any luck there. A few different Saturday nights I have had a few drinks and walked to Georgie’s in search of Mr. Right…who definitely wasn’t there. Twice I have braved the bridge and gone hunting in Ybor (dangerous as I need some alcohol in me to be comfortable in a club) driving back at 4 a.m., unsuccessful, frustrated, and certain to get a DUI if pulled over.
I have the capacity to love and I am so so tired of being lonely. I am ready for my Knight in Shining Armor, please. I want to love again, to find my special someone, but it’s getting late, and the lights are starting to dim on my dreams.
Squeak is in dreamland, yelping and twitching. Careful not to wake the snoring 30-pound bulldog on my stomach, I scoot down the couch to her, rubbing her belly and calming her down. I whisper to her that everything will be okay, that we’re safe, that we’ll be fine…though I am no longer sure that is true.
Although I am single and alone on Valentines, I did get some love from my friends
Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you’ll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
‘Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
The Garage is a little gay bar one block up Central from my apartment. It’s 1 a.m., and I am out walking my babies, having just returned from seeing a movie, with myself. On Friday nights, the Garage has karaoke. On my first pass by, Ke$ha is playing, surprise. As we turn the corner toward 1st Ave., Ke$ha goes away, and I am pleasantly surprised to hear Oleta Adams take her place. I have fallen into a sad state, my almost constant companion depression, pessimistic me. I am truly starting to believe I will always be alone. I think about my imaginary boyfriend out there, I bet he would really appreciate this song.
“You can reach me by railway
You can reach me by trailway
You can reach me on an airplane
You can reach me with your mind”
I stand across the street from the bar and listen to the whole song, and it is beautiful, her voice lovely in the warm night air.
” You can reach me by sailboat
Climb a tree and swing rope to rope
Take a sled and slide down slope
Into these arms of mine
You can jump on a speedy colt
Cross the border in a blaze of hope
I don`t care how you get here
Just get here if you can”
Ben South, Birmingham, child protection, Christmas, culture, dating, foster kids, gay, gay blog, inspirational, john jernigan, LGBT, loneliness, MSW, perspective, point of view, relationships, social work, Tampa Bay
Today I took one of my teens to have her wisdom teeth removed. Normally this 15 year-old is a terror, she has a horrible temper and intentionally says fuck every other word because I once tried to admonish her on her language. On this day, she was quiet and sweet and scared. She wanted me to be in the room with her and she cried a little, and I held her hand and talked to her and calmed her down. In this last year I have horribly failed at dating or finding someone special or being the one that somebody is thinking about. As I drive my teenager back to her foster home (while she is taking selfies and pics of her teeth and posting them), I take some small comfort in knowing that there is something I am good at, my children like me, and I will always be an advocate for them. I just wish I could somehow use my social work skills to find someone to love me.
When you’re close to tears remember
Some day it’ll all be over
One day we’re gonna get so high
And though it’s darker than December
What’s ahead is a different color
One day we’re gonna get so high
And at the end of the day
remember the days
When we were close to the edge
And we’ll wonder how we made it through the night
The end of the day
remember the way
We stayed so close till the end
We’ll remember it was me and you
‘Cause we are gonna be forever you and me
You will always keep me flying high in the sky of love
Don’t you think it’s time you started
Doing what we always wanted
One day we’re gonna get so high
‘Cause even the impossible
is easy when we got each other
One day ‘we’re gonna get so high
My life is shit right now…broke, lonely, fat, ugly, jaded and pessimistic. I have to remind myself that I have Charm, Uniqueness, Nerve & Talent, what that spells is what I feel like for all of 2013.