I dream, big bright vivid detailed dreams. I almost always remember my dreams when I wake, or my dream is so intense or troubling or happy that it wakes me with it’s intensity. After Katrina I had nightmares about New Orleans for years, that we were drowning, that we didn’t escape. Thankfully, I no longer have those nightmares, but they have been replaced with a recurring dream that show no signs of ending. My dream co-star was my ex for a few years, but he has now been replaced by my current dream guy Tom. Tom and I are in New Orleans, during Katrina, and we are in standing water. Though I should be frantic, I’m not, because I have Tom and he will take care of me. He has Cricket under one arm and Squeak under the other, and together we wade out of the city. It’s not lost on me that in my dream Tom has the two most precious things in the world to me in his arms, and that instead of worrying I am reassured. I have had this dream at least 10 times in the past month, and it always ends with our rescue. I understand that this is not about Katrina, it’s my dream of being rescued, of being safe and secure and loved. There is a full moon tonight, and the dogs and I are all restless. I will almost certainly be dreaming about Tom in a few short hours, and I will be safe and happy. I am willing to do almost anything to have him truly love me, in my waking dream, not just in sleepy time.

*I posted this at around 11 p.m. last night. I then decided I would message Tom on facebook,mainly to make sure he saw the post. I type his name in and he doesn’t pop up. I look at our message history and it says I cannot start a conversation with him. He has unfriended me. I have given up my apartment and I am applying for jobs in Atlanta based at least partially on him, getting to know him, falling in love with him, I have such big plans, I am so hopeful. It all comes crashing down on me. I had imagined him as being so sweet and kind and a true gentleman…you sir are no gentleman. It’s my fault for creating an obviously incorrect idea of him, I wanted him to be my knight in shining armor, instead he is an old and sad stereotype…like me.
I cry a little and don’t sleep much. When I do fall asleep, I don’t dream of Tom rescuing me, and I don’t dream of Katrina. I have another stress dream that I have had numerous times over the years. I am in the woods with the dogs, and there is a bear. Cricket and Squeak get away from me, running off toward the bear. I then understand that the bear has killed them, and there is nothing I can do to help them. I wake up crying, and reach for my babies, to make sure they are okay. I fall back asleep, crying, understanding there is nothing I can do to help me.

#faggotry