Tag Archives: writers

Since 1977, have you ever had sex with a man?

19 Sunday Apr 2020

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from my memoir, “The Gay Road Less Traveled” available on Amazon

Since 1977, Have You Ever Had Sex With a Man?

“Human – the Pretenders”

Fort Lauderdale 2012

My money is low; my spending habits are out of control, and like Dan Le Batard, my budgetary skills are Highly Questionable. One Monday, my office was off work for Labor Day, so I took the initiative to go sell some plasma. Let me first say that I was tested for HIV and had a full workup in late October of this year. I always practice safe sex (if and when the opportunity, and dick, should arise). For some reason, I am being very Picky? Selective? Virtuous? since moving to south Florida. Apart from being a little out of shape, I am glad to report that I’m in good health.

The plasma center makes you jump through some hoops, yo. After I gave them some blood to be tested and had a physical exam, I was asked to complete a questionnaire of 53 questions, which I took in a computer cubicle. Here is one of the questions posed:

Since 1977, have you ever had sex with another man? This would include:

A) Oral sex, either giving or receiving, mouth to genitals or mouth to anus.

B) Anal sex, either giving or receiving.

Quickly, I checked No, all the way down the page. I would like to say that I did it in protest of the prejudice, hypocrisy, and double standards for all proud, politically conscious and oppressed gay people, but my mind was on them ends, stacks, scrilla, duckets, ya heard?

I finish my homophobic exam and return to the lobby. My blood test comes back clean, of course, and I am led to the donation room. People are lying on hospital beds with tubes in their arms, squeezing, pumping out blood that plasma is then extracted from. The blood is then pumped back into the person.

The center has a somewhat urban feel to it. The worker (Shaquana) is charged with sticking me with the needle. She looks about 12 years old, but is in fact telling everyone that it’s her birthday, she is turning 19. Since I am right-handed, I request that my left arm be used for the donation.

Shaquana: You ready?

Me: Nods

Shaquana: Pokes/stabs/impales

Shaquana: Uh-Oh.

I look down at my arm; the skin has blown/bubbled up about the size of a golf ball.

Shaquana: Okay, this is what had happened, I put it in the right way, see it went in the vein, just not far enough. It’s gonna bruise. Also, we have to use the other arm now.

Shaquana (to her supervisor): Could you please come do this for me? He’s real mad, I can tell. My ears feel hot and tingly, they are doubtless bright red, and my little eye starts twitchin’

The supervisor comes over, changes the prop pillow to my right arm, quickly and efficiently inserts the needle, and starts the machine to pumping.

Shaquana: My bad.

An hour later, my plasma bottle is full, and another worker unhooks me. Shaquana has smartly kept her distance. I am free to go, with $50 on a debit card.

I am forced to wear long sleeve shirts all week. It’s Saturday night, and I have bruises like a heroin junkie on both arms, one small bruise…one big-ass Shaquana bruise. I might have to go back to workin’ the corner of West Las Olas and Broward again, thanks Shaquana, you wildly unprofessional teenager who shouldn’t be in charge of needles!

Menagerie – Rachel Vincent

14 Wednesday Nov 2018

Posted by in Books Check 'Em Out, introducing, My Favorite Things, Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood

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A compelling, awesome, unique and imaginative story…so different it’s hard to explain, fantastically good!

“There there is breathtaking beauty behind the seamy and grotesque reality of the carnival. Gallagher, her handler, is as kind as he is cryptic and strong. The other “attractions”—mermaids, minotaurs, griffins and kelpies—are strange, yes, but they share a bond forged by the brutal realities of captivity. And as Delilah struggles for her freedom, and for her fellow menagerie, she’ll discover a strength and a purpose she never knew existed.”

“Welcome to the menagerie, where beauty and grace shine from every cage and peek from every shadow. You’ve never seen anything like the exotic wonders within, so keep your eyes open, ladies and gentlemen, because in our world of spectacle and illusion, what you see isn’t always what you get.”

“But if monsters could look like humans, and humans could look like monsters, how could anyone ever really be sure that the right people stood on the outside of all those cages?”

“Drea, why don’t you turn a circle and give us a good look?” the talker said, his chest all puffed out, as if he’d had something to do with making me perform.

“Fuck you,” I said, nice and clear, in spite of my fuller voice, so everyone could hear.

A couple of teens near the back of the crowd laughed, but the mothers scowled and covered their children’s ears.

“Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen,” the talker called with an amiable chuckle. “Most of our exhibits were born and raised in the carnival, and they hear a lot of rough language.”

“Most of our handlers are full of shit,” I added, drawing more laughter from the back of the crowd. “I learned to cuss the same place all of your kids did. In middle school.”

“A wolf will growl to warn you that it’s angry and a bull will paw the ground before charging. Rattlesnakes rattle, cats moan and hiss, and hyenas grunt and cackle. But a man will smile right in your face as he drives a knife into your heart.”

“If you cut off my hands, I’ll write with my feet, and if you cut off my feet, I’ll write with my nose, and if you cut that off, you may as well cut my whole head off, because no matter how you slice and dice me, you can’t control what I think, or what I feel. You can keep me locked up for the rest of my life, however brief that may be. But you will never, ever own me.”

“She won’t serve her dish cold,” the oracle mumbled, almost with giddy joy as chill bumps rose all over her skin. “And two graves won’t be near enough…”

Books Books Books

21 Wednesday Jun 2017

Posted by in Books Check 'Em Out, Dogs is People Too

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$5 for a Bag of Books at the Worcester Habitat for Humanity yo, inching Less Than Zero, Doctors and a childhood favorite Island of the Blue Dolphins. 8 years old I was Marana on that island, struggling to find food and trying to avoid being killed by the wild dogs (while doing everything I could to steal one of their puppies).IMG_1212

Rascal – Sterling North

04 Saturday Mar 2017

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imageRascal found for 25 cents at the thrift store! My endearing love of raccoons started with this favorite book from my childhood, in fact I named my 5th child Rascal (jostling with my Frenchie for camera time in the pics below)

 

My Books my preciousss

10 Wednesday Jun 2015

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My trunk has been full of books for 2 months. I was finally able to unpack them, with sadly leaving some behind in Miami. Books are my best friends, after the 2 loves of my life Cricket and Squeak

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The Silver Star – Jeannette Walls

23 Thursday Apr 2015

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The Glass Castle (about her chaotic childhood) and Half Broke Horses (about her awesome grandmother’s childhood in frontier Texas) were both memoirs, and both are all-time favorites. The Silver Star is Jeannette Walls’ first foray into fiction, and I really enjoyed it. A mother with mental health issues, 1960’s racism, the Vietnam war, class system injustice in a mill town, and the rape of her sister are just some of the plotlines in this very satisfying offering. Also, there are emus.

“Don’t be afraid of your dark places,” Mom told her. “If you can shine a light on them, you’ll find treasure there.”
― Jeannette Walls, The Silver Star

“What I do know is that wondering why you survived don’t help you survive.”
― Jeannette Walls, The Silver Star

“I’m none too big on giving advice,’
Aunt Al said. ‘Most times when folks ask for advice, they already know what they should do. They just want to hear it from someone else.”
― Jeannette Walls, The Silver Star

“Job, chapter fourteen, verse seven,” Aunt Al said. “ ‘For there is hope for a tree, if it is cut down, that it will sprout again, and that its tender shoots will not cease.’ ”
― Jeannette Walls, The Silver Star

The Gay Road Less Traveled $2.99 on Amazon

12 Thursday Mar 2015

Posted by in My Heart, Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood, the Flaming Homosexual

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My book “The Gay Road Less Traveled” $2.99 on Amazon, supermodel Cricket and artwork by the super talented Matt Mateo Humphrey

please...

Chinese Kosher – Michael Levy

01 Sunday Feb 2015

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In September of 2005, the Peace Corps sent Michael Levy to teach English in the heart of rural China.

“When I finally relented and agreed to go to Dog Meat King, I did so with no attention of eating the meat that gave the restaurant it’s name. But as a sat in the restaurant, hungry and happy to be with my friend Jennifer, I felt a Moment of Truth emerging from the greasy haze. Was I about to go fully native? Maybe there’s no really difference between dog and pic I thought to myself. I lifted a dog cube with my chopsticks and stared at it. The face of my brother Eliot’s golden retriever appeared in the veins of the meat. To my horror, my mouth began to water. I licked the meat. The sky did not fall. I popped the cube in my mouth. I chewed. I swallowed. It tasted like chicken. Kosher was of course out the window.”

“All of this is thanks to the Leadership of the Communist Party and Socialism with Chinese Characteristics” teacher Qing said. “We will get rich now and develop and catch the West. Then we can develop True Communism later.”

“You do not have to worry about the quality of the meat. We can buy it in Walmart.” I was taken aback. “Walmart sells dog meat?” “Yes” replied Jennifer. “The price is also low, always the lowest. Walmart has the lowest prices in town.” I shook my head in disbelief. It was bad enough to think of a dead-dog section of Walmart, but what was even more unbleievable was that they could undercut the proces of butchers in the open markets, who were squeezing out a subsistence living.

My first class at Guizhou University started with everyone telling me their names, rather the American names they had given themselves. The worst student in the class had chosen the name Moron, which was ridiculous, but far from the strangest. There was “Anvil” a butch girl with a bowl cut, and an effeminate boy who went by “Dandy.” Two skinny girls inroduced themselves as “Shitty” and “Pussy.” Shitty explained her name by telling me it “sounded friendly.” Pussy told me she liked cats. There was Shmily, which she explained stood for “See How Much I love You” and Larple “I am a little fat, like a large apple.” There was God, Red Hero, and Waiting G, as well as two brothers named Stone and Stone Crusher.

Jackie raised his hand after Moron sat down. “His namee is Gordon, Mr. Mike, not Moron!” Jackie yelled. “But his English is very poor so that you cannot understand him!” Jackie was looking sternly at Gordon. “His Chinese is very poor, too! He is a minority person, so he has difficulty learning!”

Beautiful Boy – David Sheff

25 Sunday Jan 2015

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Beautiful Boy – a father’s journey through his son’s addiction to crystal meth

I found the most interesting parts of this story to be when the father described parenting his two younger children, second-guessing himself and constantly worrying that he was the primary caregiver of a child who became a meth addict.

“Through Nic’s drug addiction, I have learned that parents can bear almost anything….I shock myself with my ability to rationalize and tolerate things once unthinkable. The rationalizations escalate….It’s only marijuana. He gets high only on weekends. At least he’s not using hard drugs….At least it’s not heroin. He would never resort to needles. At least he’s alive.”

“An alcoholic will steal your wallet and lie to you. A drug addict will steal your wallet and then help you look for it.”

“Anyone who has lived through it, or those who are now living through it, knows that caring about an addict is as complex and fraught and debilitating as addiction itself.”

“Along with the joy of parenthood, with every child comes a piercing vulnerability. It is at once sublime and terrifying”

“But here’s the rub of addiction. By its nature, people afflicted are unable to do what, from the outside, appears to be a simple solution—don’t drink. Don’t use drugs. In exchange for that one small sacrifice, you will be given a gift that other terminally ill people would give anything for: life.”

“In his suicide note, Kurt Cobain wrote, “It’s better to burn out than to fade away.” He was quoting a Neil Young song about Johnny Rotten of the Sex Pistols. When I was twenty-four, I interviewed John Lennon. I asked him about this sentiment, one that pervades rock and roll. He took strong, outraged exception to it. “It’s better to fade away like an old soldier than to burn out, ” he said. “I worship people who survive. I’ll take the living and the healthy.”

“I tried everything I could to prevent my son’s fall into meth addiction. It would have been no easier to have seen him strung out on heroin or cocaine, but as every parent of a meth addict comes to learn, this drug has a unique, horrific quality. In an interview, Stephan Jenkins, the singer in Third Eye Blind, said that meth makes you feel “bright and shiny.” It also makes you paranoid, delusional, destructive, and self-destructive. Then you will do unconscionable things in order to feel bright and shiny again.”

Turning Tables – Heather & Rose MacDowell

07 Wednesday Jan 2015

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A great little story about a twenty-something who lost her job in marketing, and bullshitted her way into waiting tables at a Michelin-starred fine dining restaurant, without knowing the nomenclature.

1. Soup is considered a beverage and should be served and cleared from the right like other beverages.
2. A cocktail is never more full than when it’s dropped.
3. Never ask why (try not to even think it). Say “Of Course” or “I’ll attend to it immediately.”
4. The handle of a teacup is called the “ear” and should be placed at the 4 o’clock position to the right of the guest.
Do: Treat the busboys like a rich old aunt. If you’re nice to them you stand to make a lot more money.
Don’t: Check your tip in view of the dining room. Get mad later, in private.
Do: Channel your inner psych nurse and use a soothing voice with rude guests.
Don’t: Be honest if anyone asks how you like working at Roulette. You love what you do and plan to stay forever, right?
Never: Refold a guest’s napkin and put it back on the table. Replace the used napkin with a fresh one.
Always: Thank your lucky stars. You could be selling ladies shoes at JC Penney or trimming trees in Oklahoma in December.

“The fish special this evening is roasted monkfish with crispy shallots, mache emulsion, and an eggplant and Black Zebra tomato napoleon. The grill selection is a 10 ounce ribeye. It’s organic, free range, slaughtered humanely, and dry aged at high altitude. We will be serving it with a Jerusalem artichoke gratin and red pepper jus. Both specials are $42.”

Dr. Bernitz flips a few pages of the wine list before glancing up.
“How’s the fish tonight?”
“Flown in this morning, sir” Cato says crisply. “If you’re interested in seafood I suggest the wild salmon.”
“Why?”
“It has a firm texture and rich flavor that goes perfectly with chef’s caramelized ginger-shallot broth.” “Interesting, let’s hear about the lobster.”
This is the beginning of a 10 minute dance that is less a customer-waiter exchange than a subtle negotiation between adversaries.
“Where do the blood oranges in the relish come from?” asks the doctor, clearly enjoying the challenge.
Cato looks as if he might yawn. “Andalusia, Spain by way of 737.”
“You don’t happen to know who makes this china, do you?
“Chef had it designed exclusively for Roulette by Arte Italica. If you turn it over, you’ll see his signature. Of course I wouldn’t recommend doing that with a full plate” Cato laughed lightly.
“My mother would love a set, can you arrange that?”
“Just leave me her address and she should have it by Monday morning, unless she would prefer afternoon delivery. in
“Do any of the ingredients come from countries that use child labor?” the doctor says, gazing over the freesia at his wife. Martina needs to know before we order.”
“That’s why I memorize the menu” Cato tells me when we’re away from the table. “Not to make Gina happy, not to make money. To put assholes in their place.”

Diary of a Lost Boy – Harry Kondoleon

03 Saturday Jan 2015

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a diary

Meet Hector, a beautiful A-list Chelsea party boy, complete with six-pack, street smarts and Upper West Side bff.
Meet Hector, body ravaged by AIDS, wearing caftans with pockets full of Kleenex, saying goodbye to his last T-cells, facing his death with humor and grace, trying (unsuccessfully) to find detachment.

“My new psychiatrist says gay babies need a erotic/romantic relationship with their fathers such as straight babies have with their mothers, but since the likelihood of the gay babies getting such paternal affection is slim, they grow up the way they do.”

“TV Guide was harassing me about getting their empty guide to emptiness. Threats from creditors filled the mailbox. I scrawled on the back of one “I did not order TV Guide because I never would and I never will. I am ill and you are harassing me, desist!” Jury duty notices? I scrawled across the jittery forms “AIDS!AIDS!AIDS!AIDS!”

Listen then to this wonder! How wonderful it is to be both outside and inside, to seize and to be seized, to see and at the same time be what is seen, to hold and to be held – that is the goal where the spirit remains at rest, united with our dear eternity – Meister Eckhart

Boys of Life – Paul Russell

13 Saturday Dec 2014

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A sleazily well-written gay Lolita, with an gay alcoholic 16-year from Kentucky as our protagonist. Reading it as teenager years ago, I remember being shocked and turned on, a little repulsed and a lot impressed. I just picked it up again, reading it in one marathon 4-hour jaunt. It has stood the test of time quite well, still a little creepy but like all of Russell’s books grabs your attention and keeps it. Paul Russell is one of my favorite authors, in addition to Boys of Life other great reads of his include The Salt Point, Sea of Tranquility, War Against the Animals and The Coming Storm.

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Paul Russell quotes:
“Just because you pretend the universe doesn’t have teeth doesn’t mean you won’t get eaten in the end”

“I’ll put it to you simply: love is the enemy. That’s my conclusion. We should all live in our little monk cells and never venture out”

“Waiting, he thought, was the most miserable condition a man could find himself in. His whole life, he had been waiting for one thing or another”

“He wanted to toast mad idealism, forbidden desires, the dreams that drove one to criminal acts. He wanted, quite starkly, oblivion”

“When he got a story urge, there was nothing to do but grab a pen and write. Otherwise it was too much like getting a hard-on and not jerking off”

Lowering My Expectations

21 Tuesday Oct 2014

Posted by in Books Check 'Em Out, Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood

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I find myself desperately poor, I don’t even have enough money to get a haircut or pay my cell phone bill. But I can afford to go on three dates, with Simone de Beauvoir, Armistead Maupin and one of my great loves Edmund White.

Artist Renderings From My Book

12 Saturday Jul 2014

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14 Due to Budgetary Constraints

Mateo the Artist, a most fabulously talented individual, is the artist for my book, The Gay Road Less Traveled, $2.99 on Amazon. Squeak the Boston Terrier is the supermodel.

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20 Trailer Park Turkish Delight

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Books as Mental Health Aides

23 Monday Jun 2014

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Books as Mental Health Aides

I tried to go to work today, but left after a couple of hours, apparently I am still a bit emotionally fragile. On the way home, I stopped at the St, Vincent de Paul thrift store on 34th and treated myself to 10 (ten) books for $1 (one) .

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A Girl Named Zippy – Haven Kimmel

22 Sunday Jun 2014

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A Girl Named Zippy - Haven Kimmel

I read this book last week, sitting with my mom in the nursing home, until she passed away. Zippy’s sharp humor and funny observations helped me through a tough time in my life.

“…she waited until she and my grandfather Anthel were just home from their honeymoon, and then sat him down and told him this: “Honey, I know you like to take a drink, and that’s all right, but be forewarned that I ain’t your maid and I ain’t your punching bag, and if you ever raise your hand to me you’d best kill me. Because otherwise I’ll wait until you’re asleep; sew you into the bed; and beat you to death with a frying pan.” Until he died, I am told, my grandfather was a gentle man.”

“That cat doesn’t have a lick of sense,’ I said, sighing.

Well, honey, he’s not right in the head,’ Dad said, flipping his cigarette into the front yard.

I glared at him. ‘And just what do you mean by that?’

Dad counted on his fingers. ‘He’s cross-eyed; he jumps out of trees after birds and then doesn’t land on his feet; he sleeps with his head smashed up against the wall, and the tip of his tail is crooked.’

Oh yeah? Well, how about this: he once got locked in a basement by evil Petey Scroggs in the middle of January and survived on snow and little frozen mice. When I’m cold at night he sleeps right on my face. Of that whole litter of kittens he came out of he’s the only one left. One of his brothers didn’t even have a butthole.’

“I stand corrected. PeeDink is a survivor.”

“What kind of good deeds? Like Girl Scouts? Because I got kicked out of Brownies and they won’t give me another chance to keep my clothes on at camp.”

“My mother was good at reading books, making cinnamon biscuits, and coloring in a coloring book. Also she was a good eater of popcorn and knitter of sweaters with my initials right in them. She could sit really still. She knew how to believe in God and sing really loudly. When she sneezed our whole house rocked. My father was a great smoker and driver of vehicles..He could hold a full coffee cup while driving and never spill a drop, even going over bumps. He lost his temper faster than anyone.”

“I respect every way in which you are a troublemaker, now get up and do what your mother says.”

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My Mother is Dying

14 Saturday Jun 2014

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My Mother is Dying

My ex came and got Squeak from me, to spend the weekend with him and Possum. He has also made it painfully clear that we will never be together again, also that he never really loved me, at least “not the way I am remembering it.”
It’s 4:30 in the a.m., and I’m not sleeping. I take Cricket for a long walk, there’s a full moon and the air is electric.
My mother is 61 years old. She has refused her dialysis and it is simply a matter of time. Over the next week, I will take her lunch and sit with her, reading my book or watching TBN. She continues to pray that I will “be healed” from my homosexuality and will find a nice Christian wife. I lie to her and tell her I am going to church in St. Petersburg, and it gives her some small comfort, so that’s okay. If she doesn’t pass away this week, I will be forced to have our final goodbye on next Sunday, as I am financially destitute, plus I’ve used up all of my PTO and my bills and rent await.
I feel like my mother’s mental health robbed her of happiness and that she never really enjoyed a good quality of life. When the moon is full like this, and I am feeling restless and anxious, I worry that my mental health will soon betray me as well, and I am pessimistic most of the time. I fear I will always be alone, ending up in some nursing home with nothing, just like my mother.
Cricket knows something is wrong. She is a good girl, smart and intuitive and empathetic. Cricket gives me a lick, then curls up next to me on the bed and starts snoring. She will be there for me in the morning, tucked in and sleeping against my stomach…she knows she is loved and cherished, anyway.

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Books: 10 cents each!

06 Friday Jun 2014

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Books: 10 cents each!

10 for $1, at the St. Vincent de Paul Thrift Store on 34th St. in St. Pete

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Buy My Book!

18 Sunday May 2014

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Buy My Book!

The Gay Road Less Traveled – John Jernigan
$3.99 on Kindle, the Kindle app is free for any cell phone

Artwork by Mateo L’Artiste, models Possum the Boston Terrier and Cricket the French Bulldog

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I Love Books!

17 Saturday May 2014

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I Love Books!

Home alone on this Saturday, with no money and no man, I organized my library and discovered I am RICH!…in books. I do have several date possibilities for tonight, with different men, including Jim Butcher, Chuck Palahniuk, John Burdett and R.A. Salvatore.

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My Career as a Prostitute

12 Monday May 2014

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My Career as a Prostitute

Artwork by Mateo L’Artiste , from my book The Gay Road Less Traveled – John Jernigan $3.99 on Kindle…the Kindle app is free for any smart phone by the way

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My Books, my precious

06 Tuesday May 2014

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My Books, my precious

Killing time in Tampa waiting on some nuggets to get home from school, I stumbled across the Life’s Treasure Thrift Center, with the following sale sign at the door: Entire store 50 % off ! That meant $1 hard covers and 50 cent paperbacks 🙂 I hit the jackpot, including 3 of my favorite books of all time; Life of Pi, Choke, and Oryx and Crake. $11.00

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25 cents each at the Wagon Wheel Flea Market, Catcher in the Rye, Angela’s Ashes, Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter and High Fidelity $1

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Using my 1/2 price coupon for the entire store, my precious books from New 2 U Thrift in Seminole…a little chic lit, but i am very much in touch with my feminine side, so they say 😦 $3.75

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Bingo’s Run – James A. Levine

30 Wednesday Apr 2014

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Bingo's Run - James A. Levine

I loved this deliciously smart, clever little book, devouring it on one five hour read last night. Bingo is the trickster, a drug runner, thief, scam artist and the hero of our story. This book gave me a glimpse into the slums of Kibera, in Nairobi, Kenya, where smart little Bingo is the “hustler extraordinaire.” He also has a wonderfully wicked sense of humor and perspective for a street kid from the ghetto in one of poorest parts of the world.

“Meet Bingo, the greatest drug runner in the slums of Kibera, Nairobi, and maybe the world. A teenage grifter, often mistaken for a younger boy, he faithfully serves Wolf, the drug lord of Kibera. Bingo spends his days throwing rocks at Krazi Hari, the prophet of Kibera’s garbage mound, “lipping” safari tourists of their cash, and hanging out with his best friend, Slo-George, a taciturn fellow whose girth is a mystery to Bingo in a place where there is never enough food. Bingo earns his keep by running “white” to a host of clients, including Thomas Hunsa, a reclusive artist whose paintings, rooted in African tradition, move him. But when Bingo witnesses a drug-related murder and Wolf sends him to an orphanage for “protection,” Bingo’s life changes and he learns that life itself is the “run.”

A modern trickster tale that draws on African folklore, Bingo’s Run is a wildly original, often very funny, and always moving story of a boy alone in a corrupt and dangerous world who must depend on his wits and inner resources to survive.”

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David Sedaris

23 Wednesday Apr 2014

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David Sedaris

David is my mentor, my muse, my lover, my best friend…I wish. He is my favorite author, and I aspire/try/think that I have a writing style similar to his. Go buy my book on Amazon for $3.99 and see for yourself. David is quirky, nerdy, smart, sarcastic…just my type. I Love You, Man! John Jernigan-Sedaris

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Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim – David Sedaris

23 Wednesday Apr 2014

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Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim - David Sedaris

“Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings”

“Hugh and I have been together for so long that in order to arouse extraordinary passion, we need to engage in physical combat. Once, he hit me on the back of the head with a broken wineglass, and I fell to the floor pretending to be unconscious. That was romantic, or would have been had he rushed to my side rather than stepping over my body to fetch the dustpan.”

“Boys who spent their weekends making banana nut muffins did not, as a rule, excel in the art of hand-to-hand combat.”

“Watch, hell,’ Walt said. ‘This is strip poker. What kind of homo wants to sit around and watch four guys get naked?”

“She’s afraid to tell me anything important, knowing I’ll only turn around and write about it. In my mind, I’m like a friendly junkman, building things from the little pieces of scrap I find here and there, but my family’s started to see things differently. Their personal lives are the so-called pieces of scrap I so casually pick up, and they’re sick of it. More and more often their stories begin with the line “You have to swear you’ll never repeat this.” I always promise, but it’s generally understood that my word means nothing.”

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Books & Books

06 Sunday Apr 2014

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Books & Books

From the Parc Thrift Store in Pinellas Park, hardcovers 50 cents and paperbacks a quarter, including Precious, Running with Scissors, Water for Elephants and The Petting Zoo.

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From the HEP Thrift Store in Clearwater, 25 cents a piece for paperbacks, including the Bears and I, the Reader, To Kill a Mockingbird and one of my all-time favorites, the Good Earth – Pearl S. Buck.

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April Fool’s, a regrettably awkward blunder

03 Thursday Apr 2014

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April Fool's, a regrettably awkward blunder

I had this great idea to send messages to four men on the facebook telling them how much I liked them, that I cared about them, that I would would wait on them for “as long as it took”, that I knew they cared about me, and finally that I was in their city and wanted to hookup asap. Brilliant, right? Of these 4 guys, three are in relationships and the 4th is…eccentric. Here is my message to them:

“Hi GUYS NAME, I know it’s been a while since we had any communication. I just wanted to tell you that I still like you a lot, and I miss you. I feel like we had a real connection, and you are still the most adorable guy that I have ever seen…so 100% just my type. In my own way, I had such a true crush on you, and actually started to care about you. I get the impression that you really liked me too, I know you did, and I think you would easily start to care about me if you allow yourself the opportunity. Listen, I am coming to Ft. Lauderdale/Birmingham/Pensacola this weekend and I really, really would love to hook up with you. I would love to have you come spend the night with me here, anytime you drive over/down. I hope we can make a true “love connection” and I’m prepared to wait on you, for as long as it takes! You should also buy a copy of my book, after all, you have your own chapter (I used GUYS 1st Name Last Initial when describing you)…have a good day handsome yours truly, seriously YOURS TRULY John Jernigan

Sounds pretty good, right? Not so much…

My 1st guy, who I actually did develop an online crush/affection for last year, messaged me back with the quickness! “Hey guy! Awww, so nice! Are you here through Sunday? I have to go see my dad this weekend, won’t be back until late Sunday” He had his escape plan ready to roll!

The 2nd guy, the cutest little fella that ever lived, responded “i was and am at a bit of a loss for words… very flattered of course…” When I messaged him back later with April Fool’s he didn’t respond, just ignored me

Guy #3, my smart, distinguished and eccentric friend, replied “Hey John, glad to hear all is well. I’m moving to Savannah, GA within the month, Stay in touch. ” Glad to hear all is well? I just told you I was smitten and stuff…you responded with well sorry leaving the state 😦

The 4th, and final, guy’s response was sad and truly made me realize the mistake this April Fool’s attempt at funny was. This sweet fella, let’s call him “Beth”, is smart and sweet and also the first and only man my age that I have ever shared uhh physical affection with…I sent him my message, no response, nothing. At around 10 p.m. I logged into the facebook to wish him an April Fool’s and: he had unfriended me! I can’t even tell him it was a prank, whatever he did he really did, like he disappeared entirely to me, he made himself invisible, even in searches. I hope he will read this and understand I was just trying to be funny, as usual. What’s not funny and is actually kind of sad is that I would love to have any of these 4 beautiful men for my own…but I will likely always be alone, trying to be funny and trying to make everyone laugh, while I just want to cry.

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April Fool’s, a small success

03 Thursday Apr 2014

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April Fool's, a small success

This year I made the effort to celebrate this holy holiday, with a couple of different facebook posts. Here is my first post:

I want to say Thank you! to all 27 of you who bought my book for $3.99 on Amazon 😦 I have some fantastic news, I signed a contract with a $15,000 advance from Random House for my soon-to-be-published 2nd offering, Giggle, which should be released by summer.

Nancy, Brenda, Anna and 41 others like this.

Jamie: Ok….if this is an April Fool’s joke…it ain’t funny. If it is not…Congratulations!!!!!!
April 1 at 9:25am · Unlike · 2

Pamela: No one in their right mind would give you $15,000 in ‘advance’
April 1 at 9:34am · Unlike · 3

Glen: GREAT NEWS JOHN!!! I knew it would Blow Up for You!
April 1 at 10:22am · Unlike · 1

June: If this is another one of your jokes I am done with you!
April 1 at 11:12am · Unlike · 4

June: You have to understand my doubts. You have tricked me MANY times before!

Me, late that night:
April Fool’s Bitches!

John Jernigan: Sadly, this is an April Fool’s Post! I really just wanted to put it out there that less than 30 of my facebook friends have purchased my book, reminding you that the Kindle app is FREE for any cell phone and my book costs $3.99 A publishing house did tell me that if I could self promote and sell 1000 copies or so, they would likely pay for a 5000 book press: only have to sell like 920 more 😦

The good news is that through guilt or clever marketing or whatever, 8 copies were bought in the next 2 days…bringing my sales total to like 53 😦

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11 Cruising Barnes Nobles

7 Career Prostitute

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